″I keep telling you, you have to go to the doctor to feel better.”.When will you learn that you need to rest?” ″Of course you need your nap-you’ve been up since six.Some parents try to argue a child out of her feelings in hopes of changing her mind or helping her feel better. Pretend these statements are made by a child.

Validating a child’s feelings with love and understanding opens the door for real connection and problem solving and works toward building a lifelong relationship of love and trust. It invites children to feel heard and lets them know it’s okay to feel whatever they feel. Parents often do not agree with (or completely understand) their children’s emotions, but active listening does not require you to agree or completely understand. Some other time, Diane might be able to talk with Chrissy about avoiding future problems-and perhaps ask her what she could do to express her anger instead of slamming the door.ĭiane also showed respect for her daughter’s feelings. She allowed Chrissy the opportunity to explore what was going on for her, and in the process, Chrissy discovered a solution to her own problem. “Mom, can I go play out in the backyard?” Diane gave her daughter a hug-and a great deal more.īy simply reflecting back her daughter’s underlying feelings (active listening), Diane refrained from lecturing, rescuing, or discounting her daughter’s feelings. “I don’t want to play with her anymore.” She sat quietly for a moment, watching as Diane put stamps on envelopes. ″It must be pretty frustrating to be picked on by a big girl,” Diane said, still focusing on reflecting her daughter’s feelings. It isn’t fair for her to take away my stuff.”

“Mom,” she said plaintively, sniffling a little, “Tammy is bigger than me. Resisting the impulse to scold Chrissy for slamming the door, she said quietly, “You seem pretty angry, kiddo.”Ĭhrissy pondered for a moment. Her mom, Diane, looked up from the bills she was paying. “I hate her!” Then Chrissy threw herself onto the sofa in a storm of sobs. Active listening does not require that you agree with your child’s feelings, but it allows your child to feel connected and understood-something all people need-and provides an opportunity to explore and clarify those mysterious impulses known as emotions.įour‐year‐old Chrissy ran through the front door, slamming it so forcefully that the pictures rattled on the wall, and promptly burst into tears. Active listening is the art of observing and listening to feelings, then reflecting them back. Excerpt from the book Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Ann DuffyĪctive (or reflective) listening is an effective tool of communication. One that will serve you well as you parent your child and (sooner than you may think) the adolescent that child will become.

Active listening skills for kids